Thursday, May 13, 2010

COLONOSCOPY ANYONE? I SAID A BUTT LIGHT!!!!!!!



As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.
H. L. Mencken

When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.
H. L. Mencken



A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT SENT IN AN E-MAIL.

WORTH THE READ!

TO BE FOLLOWED WITH LIFE AS SEEN THROUGH A RUSTY HOLE: AS PROMISED!

GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER!




This is one of the funniest things  I have ever read.  If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!
ABOUT THE WRITER 
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:   I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
   A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through    Minneapolis . 
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

                                                                   THIS (RHYMES WITH STICK)
IS GOING TO PUT A  
 
  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
   Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
WHERE THE ___ DON'T USUALLY SHINE!

the instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 IT FEELS LIKE YOU _ _ _ _ A
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.   At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere..  I was seriously nervous at this point.
     Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
 EVEN IF NOT RELIGIOUS YOU ARE ____________ IT WILL BE OVER SOON
 
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies... 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in  Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

           And the best one of all: 
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 NOW GO HOME AND SIT IN A BOWL OF ICE CREAM--BECAUSE YOU ARE SO SORE FROM WIPING--YOUR BUTT HURTS SO BAD IT HURTS TO SHINE A FLASHLIGHT ON IT!!!!

15 comments:

  1. Your rusty hole seems fine to me !!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had one a few years back...I was going to put a stuffed gerbil in my ass crack for the doctor to find, but my wife said "No way!"...I had to sort through my bowel movements to find my eyeballs which had left the house...

    ReplyDelete
  3. LMAO at you two!!!! Ha ha!

    I knew I was taking my life in my hands when I posted this?

    The Gerbil would have been awesome!

    Heff- I blew out the rust with the first WAVE!!!

    J

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've had a couple and am due for one now...I always wonder what they're talking about while I'm out.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Pat,

    It goes something like this...LOL,

    "passing the Haustral folds...advancing...., so how was Susie's rectal-----RECITAL?"

    Nurse. "She sucked, but how do you tell a 9 year old that?"

    Doc, "True, ..what is that...never mind, just something the Colon Cleanser missed..... probably corn....." ad nauseum!

    John

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'll try to avoid the corn...i wonder if anybody ever crosses them up and doesn't do the cleansing first?...LOL

    ReplyDelete
  7. I accompanied my sister to her colonoscopy a year ago. She probably won't invite me back. To reassure her I told her to pretend she was a gay man so she could enjoy it. The nurse won't be inviting me back either.

    I don't look forward to having one. But it shouldn't happen for a long time. I still haven't gone for the mammogram my doc ordered 2 years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Pat, that would unfortunately be a YES!!! I have had Spillage, onto my feets! Yes, I know it's gross- in the Hospital I once left a Fleet's ENEMA on the bedside table, and had to leave the room to get a bedpan. I came back and the top was PRIED OFF the bottle. I asked what happened and the patient said, oh I already took it. I said you gave yourself the enema? Still slow on the uptake I was...and the patient said--Yes--I drank it--it wasn't that bad!!!!!


    LOL

    John



    Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie......sigh.

    OMG, why does that NOT surprise me! I can only imagine what the Nurse banned you! You are a riot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I smile when I just see YOUR NAME because I know a laugh is not far behind!!!!!

    I encourage you to get said Mammogram...my wife is an ex-Mammographer, and I truly believe in preventative medicine! But then again if it was a TESTAGRAM--I'm not so sure I'd be keen on having the Boy's smashed like that!!!

    John

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have had three colonoscopys. The first two didn't work as they didn't give me enough aneasthetic. The third one was done by the almight (dickhead) consultant, as he didn't believe me when I said that it hurt.

    It resulted in him giving me the maximum dosage of knock out stuff, and then us having the following argument:

    Angrygirl: "That hurts"

    Dickhead: "It can't"

    Angrygirl: "Well, it does"

    Dickhead: "It can't"

    Angrygirl: "I can tell you exactly where your stupid hose is"

    Dickhead: "You should be asleep"


    Angrygirl: "Well, clearly I am not"

    Dickhead: "But you should be"

    Angrygirl: "This argument is pointless, you are hurting me, and I think you should remove your hose from my body"

    Dickhead: "I think that we should end this"

    Angrygirl: "Good idea, now get me a proper doctor. And meds. Lots and lots of meds"

    So yes, I can totally relate. Horrid, horrid things. Am never going through that again!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Angrygirl,

    I'm so sory you had that experience and there are 1,000 more just like you. Bottom line--people don't listen. If the STATS say this--then that's that. What about the people ho are awake under anesthesia,....they didn't believe them for a long long time!

    So sorry,

    John

    ReplyDelete
  11. My bowels and I have been to Minneapolis and beyond. So I really appreciate this post. It's much more pleasant that the actual prep, trip, and movie.
    I'm loving your sense of humor, John!
    Have a great weekend.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  12. The 50th birthday present from my doc.... I remember seeing the hose to the side and thinking, WTH... Then I remember the doctor coming into the room, they already had the IV in, and he was telling a joke and before he got to the punch line, I was asleep. Next thing I knew, the doc was saying that he didn't see me for another ten years. That sounded good to me!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Rawkyn- Sorry about the bad reminders, but those preps are killers--and one actually has the name

    GO LIGHTLY!!! Yeah--Like Mt Pinatubo-up yobutto.


    sage--

    come towards the light! come towards the light!

    John

    ReplyDelete
  14. I prefer the digital probe by my female doctor, I fall in love all over again.

    ReplyDelete
  15. twm- you sick puppy--and they wonder why we all LOVE YOU!!

    LOL

    John

    ReplyDelete

Incredibly smart relies: