Monday, September 10, 2007

OLDIES BUT GOODIES-




ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS


01. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

02. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

03. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

04. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

05. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

06. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

07. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

08. The patient refused autopsy.

09. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

7 comments:

  1. Hey John!

    These are great with 13 and 14 being my favorites!

    LOL! Do ya think in #23 the examiner was staring at the examinee's breasts instead of pupils?? :)

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  2. Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard right now!!!

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  3. "The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me..." and "no previous history of suicide." Loved those two!

    Hope you're having a good day, John! I'm going to work on a 1000-pc puzzle with my daughter while my son practices soccer w/ the hub! From now 'til Jan. it will be busy, but a good kind of busy.

    I love that I can wear boots again...yes!! Even in Miami!!

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  4. hahahaha I am glad I have reall excuses to be in and out of the hospital:)

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  5. ha-ha-ha-ha ! Oh John, you crack me up ! Happy Monday evening to you !
    And thank you for always being such a loyal commenter - I hugely appreciate it !
    I couldn't stop writing my erotica posts after all. sigh. My hormones wouldn't let me...
    But somehow, I had the feeling that you wouldn't mind :)

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  6. Are you kidding me- mi Lady! You write on!!!! There is no judgment here- just cyber Love- Hugs and kisses!!!!

    Always behind ya!!!

    John

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  7. I WANNA GO BACK TO THE ER AND NOT FOR THOSE THINGS!LOL!I have bigger issues.

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Incredibly smart relies: