OBITUARY OF A DEAR FRIEND
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how
old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red
tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such
as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
kids,
are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place - Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer Tylenol to a student; but could not
inform
the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
better
treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
SOME THINGS THAT WERE ATTRIBUTED TO HIM:
1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.
15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
25. Every calendar's days are numbered.
26. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
at
large.
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how
old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red
tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such
as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
kids,
are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place - Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer Tylenol to a student; but could not
inform
the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
better
treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
SOME THINGS THAT WERE ATTRIBUTED TO HIM:
1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.
15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
25. Every calendar's days are numbered.
26. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
at
large.
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done
Those are some seriously creative puns.
ReplyDeleteCommon sense is getting much less common.
I agree Hammer- I wish I had the source, but somebody really took the time to write and re-write those!
ReplyDeleteIt's certainly beyond my scope and talent!
Thanks for stopping by!
Common sense is "almost" an oxymoron. "Almost" People who truly posses it are rare or at least hiding it.
J
Have you seen the ultra sound pics yet? I got one posted
ReplyDeleteSo True John! Great puns! :)
ReplyDeleteno pOOPSIE BUT i WILL LOOK THIS WEEKEEND!! cONGRATS yOUNG lADY!@!!!!
ReplyDelete