Friday, November 30, 2007

ANNOUNCEMENT

JEWISH SWIMMER

Hi all,

I have decided to stop writing as much on Shhh..God's Talking and concentrate more on visiting other Blogs and working on this one. Here's to an AWESOME HOLIDAY SEASON for us all!!!!! PLEASE SEE EXPLANATION (IF YOU EVEN CARE lol- SERIOUSLY- IT'S NO BIGGIE)

BLOG ON----John

PIG THOUGHTS

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

SPIDER KINGDOM-

WARNING-SMALL SPIDER- IT WILL NOT HURT YOU - THERE IS DEFINITELY A CLASS I BEVERAGE ALERT IN EFFECT!!!





I FLAT OUT STOLE THIS FROM MONKEYGIRL. I JUST HAD TO!

He He He !!!!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

SAYINGS- NOTHING MORE THAN SAYINGS

Things to Remember

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only
live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the
future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the
past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to
do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really
tried them.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it
wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide
us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a
persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider
dating outside the family.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when
Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll
learn him.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But flipping the finger is free too,
and I find it more sincere and personally satisfying.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

FULL-ON FORWARD: THE FIRST POST WITH THE NEW COMPUTER

CLICK HERE FOR POST!!!!!!!
FULL-ON FORWARD: THE FIRST POST WITH THE NEW COMPUTER


I just posted this on or around the 11th (Click on text above) but there is so much good stuff in here I reread it and was moved by unseen forces to post it again. I had been off-line- my computer blew up- (exaggeration) and I had just posted this as the first post back. So I wanted to make sure that both my readers had a chance to see this! :-)

Happy Holidays all and and I think the End of the World is Nigh. REASON:

Look at the End of the College Football Season for Sighs, (signs) aaaaaaa huuuuuuuuu (deep breath) and wonders. I wonder If we will ever blow up the BCS Computer and go to a playoff system. Also My Gamecocks lost to archrival Clemson due to a field goal with 3 seconds left. Who could have predicted the fall of so many teams in so few weeks to leave Our Lady of the Chicken of the Sea- Tuna Fish vs. Testicle Tech- Seminomas' for the National Championship.

Something is inherently wrong with a sport that can be played with balls to the wall guts by 22-25 men for 60 minutes and possibly overtimes---only to be decided by one guy who kicks maybe one to three times a game! However- Good job Clemson- you Won.

PS: This ties in directly to 911docs post about Apocalypto-and the end of times (Which I have Tivo'd- NO NOT the Fla. Quarterback!) but am afraid to watch!

He was talking about Nascar- and the Word Sport was in the same sentence. I'm pretty sure he was being sarcastic but He's a Pathologist so I'm not really sure-(Just kidding Doc- like he'll ever see this but I think we are of the same mindset when it comes to Nascar and Sport----Oxymoron completed!

John

Saturday, November 24, 2007

OUT OF BOUNDS

RARE POLITICAL COMMENTARY


Jesse

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked
in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of
his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might
have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him
of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,
gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all. Jesse drank the
concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull shit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were down a quart".



Seems there are so many people with so many answers to other peoples problems:- No wonder they all have to call Dr. Phil and therapists to straighten out their own lives and families. Sweep around your own doorstep, get the splinter out of your eye, mind your own "bidness"- all come to mind when I think of involvement in things I know very little if ANYTHING about!

I am working on being SLOW TO SPEAK- that will keep you out of a lot of trouble- But quick to hear- that will let you understand what was really said by the person speaking----and then esp: be even SLOWER to ANGER, because Truth be told it probably had very little to do with you or the Truth about you to begin with!

Merry Christmas.

Al- Your next!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

HAPPY THANGSGIVING

HAPPY THANKSGIVING & BLESSINGS TO ALL


THIS DID NOT HAPPEN AT MY HOUSE- I RECEIVED IT AS AN E-MAIL

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a
trick. She told my sister that she needed something
from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish
hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed
the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the
oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a
look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my
sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep, SHE'S BLONDE!


LOVE YA ALL!!

JOHN

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

HAMMER- JUST FOR YOU MY FRIEND

I NEED ALL THE BLOGGING COMMUNITY TO CONTACT ALL YOUR CONTACTS AS MY LIST IS STILL RALATIVELY SMALL...PLEASE DO THIS FOR THE HAMMER!!!!! ALL THE OTHER BLOGGERS TO GO BY HAMMERS AND TELL HIM HELLO- (I MEAN THIS FROM THE HEART NOW! PLEASE DO IT) SINCE I NEED YOU TO GET THE WORD OUT FOR ME SO WE CAN GIVE HIM A KILLER----UH..... PROPER TURNOUT!!!!! WE LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU BROTHER- GET WELL SOON. I'M GLAD IT'S PNUEMONIA AS IT RESPONDS READILY TO THE NEWER ANTIBIOTICS THAN THE OLDMONIA, OR LORD FORBID- THE DREADED, "SNEAK UP FROM BEHIND YOU

"DOUBLE WALKING PNEUMONIA!"

BRO JOHN

video

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Chhooor new Choose para Santa Claus

My Dear Friend, Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below: How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc. These slippers are: * Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable * Environmentally safe * Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags. I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.... Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you!









Thursday, November 15, 2007

WHAT HE DOES ALL DAY- Partial Hiney Warning!

You just never know who's not answering the phone on the other end of that call- nor the hidden talent they posses! Mr. Ambi Dextrous from Hackeysack NJ.

Favorite saying: Feets, don't fail me now! Also known to make wise cracks during performances.


video
UH- PUSH THE ARROW BUTTON.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

POSTING FRENZY

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR FEET STINK!!!




I work 12 hours Wednesday and then I am off, Thurs, Friday, Saturday and Sunday! Get ready for a posting frenzy to get me out of the DT's. I still have a lot of work to do reloading applications, pics etc and getting it tweaked the way I had it. But I one proud dude to have this new system! Missed everyone so much and can't wait to read and find out what's been going on!

Love to all my guys and gals! Catch ya this weekend!

John

Monday, November 12, 2007

IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL AROUND WITH MOTHER NATURE!!!!

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from the University of Florida, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when the weather is cold.

The New Bra:

















After he announced the new invention at a news conference, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked his ass.





Friday, November 9, 2007

THE FIRST POST WITH THE NEW COMPUTER

JUST A FEW PICS TO WARM UP WITH

DEFINITION OF BALLS!
ALSO- LACK OF THEM- LIVE DEMONSRTRATION



AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY PAR.

THESE ARE AWESOME- WITH A CAPITAL R-
PLEASE DO NOT READ NOW IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO SIT BACK, SAVOUR AND SPEW A FEW!! BEVERAGE ALERT CLASS "B" ON SEVERAL AND CLASS "A" ON ONE OR TWO!




REMEMBER- I WARNED YA!




DANG IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!!


New Words for 2008

*SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

*SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

*TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

*BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

*SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

*ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

*SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

*CUBE FARM .
An office filled with cubicles.

*PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

*SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What couples turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or to start a "home business".

*SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single Income, no Boyfriend And Desperate.

*AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box'.

*PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

*ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

*GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to use the bathroom. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

*404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

*AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

*OH-NOSECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

*GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wears to show their level of training.

*MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, (i.e.) extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing
in there worth seeing.

*MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

*MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the dogs so the pub is suddenly packed with foxes when you come back in.

*MYSTERY TAXI .
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up whisks away the fox you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.

*BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home at 3:00 a.m. after a booze cruise.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

*BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 30 minutes for the rest of the night.

*TART FUEL .
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

*PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

NEW COMPUTER SHOULD ARRIVE TOMORROW

YES! YES! YES! IT SHIPPED TODAY FROM RALEIGH AND SHOUKD BE HERE TOMORROW.

I can't wait. But I 'll have to. Bummer.

Oh- going to Fla/SC game Saturday- Kickoff 7:45 on ESPN. Ya'll look for me. I should be pretty easy to spot as I'll be wearing Garnet and Black. Should be pretty easy to pick me out in a crowd of 85K!!!!! Will be tailgating from about 12:00 all the way up until kickoff and the game should be over probably a little before Midnight (With Commercials etc.) Then We get to leave in the traffic and I work a 12 on Sunday- but it will be awesome!



GO COCKS!!!!! Wow- 4 little pricks just got up and left Starbucks LOL!

Have a great one and get ready to Blog!!!!!!!

John

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

OLD LADY SUICIDE

I don't care who you are this is funny right here.


An 80 year old lady tired of living alone wants to committ suicide. So she thinks about it and finally calls her Family Dr. for advice. He comissuratates and understands that she really has no quality of life so he tells her- Take a Pistol and Shoot yourself just Under the left breast!

She Finally works up the Guts to do it : Fires the Pistol ------and ends up in the ER with a GSW to her Left Knee!!!!!



Ha ha Try not to laugh--go ahead- admit- you cain't frigging do it! There's the start of the smile- Oh it's all over now--- shot herself in the left knee!!!!!

Ohhhhhhhh Life is good!

Buenas anus,

John

Sunday, November 4, 2007

YEAHHHHHHH I THINK!!!!!!!

Should be back on-line full speed aheead!

Yeah Poopsie! Knew preggos could get one but I forget all the trimester dates of when ya can and when ya can't- so we just shipp all you 2 packaged as 1's off to the Gynercolologist! Least thats what we cal em hear- Gynerculologists---er just plain ol baby Doctores. Sorry slipped into my Sling Blade accient fer a minute! Glad all is going well. New puter should be shipped 3-5 and yes it is a Dell! I had to get it through the Hospital- the deal was too sweet not to pass up on- ahhhh one of the benefits of corporate greed I guess.

And Kaylee- wow girl- a heart Transplant! I mean like that is absolutely mind blowing. And I though my thre litlle vessels was something! I pray all is well. Do you feel like yourself? LOL Had to get that in there! Lest someone BEAT me too it- ok- I'lll give ya a break on the puns- I'm sure all your friends had a head heart I mean start-see I can't quit- A orta behave myself!
Keep me posted OK? Do you, did you or do you want to know who the donor was?

I've heard that you can actually feel some vibes or there are reports of some little things about recipirnts and donors. Let me know if any of that is true! I'm so happy for ya gal!!!!!!

OK-all- look for some wieredness and finally some more pictures- tied to upload one on this and they sent a Electric Company representative stating our subdivision couldn't handle the pull on the transformer- if I wnated He's upoad it from his house! LOL!

I turn this thing on and the lights dim in the house! I started typing this in June!

Aloha- Love to everyone- and NO- spell check wasn't done in lieu of time!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Hello

Hi all,

Just a short update. All is still going well with health and especially with relationship with Sandi (My much better 1/2). We are sharing , talking laughing- a lot!!and just having a having a blast together! Work is getting ready to shift into high gear with Flu season just about to pop up. We are still seeing tons of Streps, a few Mono's and a TON of MRSA.

We have a whole community that we serve about 15 miles from the one I work at and we get all of their patients after 5:00. Many Many Meth addicts from out there and more "SPIDER BITES" than you can count. I really think the news did a very poor job in reporting about what MRSA is, but most importantly that it can be treated and most of all PREVENTED with proper hygiene!! But did the news mention much of that?

No- it the one or two isolated cases out of literally thousands because of the delay in the patient getting treatment that caused their death.
At least it's getting the Name out there and then we can educate them when they come in.
Got some much needed rain- deficit is still close to 20" below normal--duh Deficit ---below normal!!!! what an armpit I am sometimes! I outta be banned. Yuk Yuk. Or at least hit by a Brutish Right Guard while playing Polo and cleaning out an Old Spice Rack. Don't make me pull some High Karate on you butt! Yeah I stank. Ok- I digress enough and I'm even thankful to be typing on this putrer! I am truly blessed!!!!


God bless all- with the new schedule I should be able to crank out countless puns that make you want to _________________ with a Pygmie, while ________________ his/her little ______________________ standing on one leg playing the picolo, and shouting ________________, _________ and ______ the __________games only half Over!!!!!!

Loves ya,

John