Friday, August 13, 2010



One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
And then the fight started........

My wife said, "Tell me something that'll make me walk on air".
I said, "Go hang yourself!"
That's when the fight started.......

My wife asked me to take her somewhere she had rarely been,
I took her to the kitchen,
That's when the fight started.......

I posted this on my Blog.

 and to end on a much more positive note..
Finally It happens, and this is what I get!

and last but certainly not least......

            This  is just too beautiful not to  share.   

Dear God, please send clothes

for all those poor naked ladies

on grandpa's computer.



  1. Great, John! Fantastic, funny, so cool. And you are only married 5 years? You are settled in just fine.

    I love the 'pot of gold' at the end of the rainbow, and the prayer too!

  2. the font! Comic Sans is my favorite font.

  3. Thanks Joe!!

    But I have been married 27 years this past June. That's a true POT ty at the end of that rainbow! LOL.

    I love Comic sans too!

    Thanks Buddy!


  4. Oh John, John, John....I think THAT's what's at the end of the rainbow.


  5. :) This is a riot! lol!!!
    The grand-daughter stuff is hilarious! :P

  6. Loved this post John, but I think we have an end of the rainbow here too....honestly, I saw it just last night!


  7. Long suspect has been your that I know I am not alone I do not feel so crazy/

  8. Thanks for the laughs. When you're able, post of pics of you in traction :)

  9. Jeannie-- well I guess it is technically a Pot-'o POT ty!


    Shadowthorne-- I NEVER saw that one coming! I loved it. Have a great day tomorrow!!!


    Alice-- was it the same Potty? I'll split it with ya.

    I had a cool pic of a triple rainbow over our football stadium--I'll see if I can find it.


    Hey Alice..... You doing OK? Better with the time management with the niece and all? And don't lie to me and make me come over there!

    twm-- I'm glad we are separated by distance--because I have a feeling if we bez real buds- we'd stay in trouble! Or at least our mouths would keep us in trouble!!! He He!


    Heff- I think I found your Bank!!! Need to make a night deposit myself! (Good one Buddy! High 5! Good job on the instruments, and the band. Seriously, I'm very impressed with the vids done so far!


    KW-- Glad u liked it my !! Have a blessed Sunday as always my friend!!


    sage- Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaa-- Good come back!!!


  10. You are too funny! My ex sent me some of those jokes a while back...somehow they're much funnier when YOU tell them.

    Loving the rainbow...and that little girl is to DIE for!

  11. I just read those to my wife...
    "that's when the fight started."

    funny post John! I needed that.


Incredibly smart relies: