BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE: AND SO IS MY DAD!~FRIDAY APRIL 15th, 2009
I left home Friday at the usual time and I wish I could say I had "a feeling", something was different, I "KNEW IT", or I had received some type of psychic signal, but that would be a total lie. I went to work without any other than the regular thoughts and mental preparations for the day. As some of you know my Dad has been very Ill since right before the new Year. (See linked post if you wish).
When I got to work the phone rang at 11:30 and it was my wife. Uh oh, I thought, this can't be good. She never calls me at work since she knows we are so busy unless it's pretty important. We had talked to my stepmother last night- we call every day now, and dad was resting (in his Morphine induced state) apparently comfortably. He was not fidgety nor was he pulling at his catheter.
But that was last PM. Today his temp went from 99.6 to 103.6, at 11:30. The phone rang again at 12:30, and I knew the news this time. My wife was crying softly, trying to be brave for me, and said Simply, "Baby, your Dad's gone." Silence, I digested it as well as I could, told her thanks and I would see her in a minute.
Mixed emotions: "He's in a better place, He's not hurting, He's with Jesus' "- all very nice words of comfort, and true------but F___ it- He's NOT HERE! What a contrast of emotions. He had no quality of life. We euthanize our pets far before they get to the state my Father was in. We as a society literally withheld food and water until he died of thirst and starvation, tied in his bed.
So I have mixed emotions. I haven't shed a tear yet, but it's not time. When it comes I'll cry like a baby. I'm not afraid to-it's not weakness, but it's just not quite the right time.
Grief is a funny little critter. If you have your parents: call them, if your estranged- make up...extend the Olive Branch. I did for 7 years before my dad took it and we had 9 or 10 awesome years together that we wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm going to Travelocity, Expedia etc. right now to get tickets. Work is awesome and I have about 7 or 8 days off with 3 paid Bereavement days.
DON'T BE AFRAID OF SILENCE: IT'S POWERFUL (& GOLDEN.)
The words of comfort above are well meant from friends and co-workers, I DON'T MEAN TO SELL THEM SHORT- I'VE USED THEM, BUT WILL CHOOSE CAREFULLY BEFORE i SAY THEM AGAIN.....but sometimes just a look in the eye and a big hug is all that needs to be said! I'll take both, because I know they are all well intentioned. It feels good to write it out also. I may write more when I get back- I may not. It just depends. But I know I can share it with you guys either way. You're special.
Love you all,
G'Bye for now- until we meet in Heaven ,Jack Henry McElveen.
Your Very Loving son,
John
I left home Friday at the usual time and I wish I could say I had "a feeling", something was different, I "KNEW IT", or I had received some type of psychic signal, but that would be a total lie. I went to work without any other than the regular thoughts and mental preparations for the day. As some of you know my Dad has been very Ill since right before the new Year. (See linked post if you wish).
When I got to work the phone rang at 11:30 and it was my wife. Uh oh, I thought, this can't be good. She never calls me at work since she knows we are so busy unless it's pretty important. We had talked to my stepmother last night- we call every day now, and dad was resting (in his Morphine induced state) apparently comfortably. He was not fidgety nor was he pulling at his catheter.
But that was last PM. Today his temp went from 99.6 to 103.6, at 11:30. The phone rang again at 12:30, and I knew the news this time. My wife was crying softly, trying to be brave for me, and said Simply, "Baby, your Dad's gone." Silence, I digested it as well as I could, told her thanks and I would see her in a minute.
Mixed emotions: "He's in a better place, He's not hurting, He's with Jesus' "- all very nice words of comfort, and true------but F___ it- He's NOT HERE! What a contrast of emotions. He had no quality of life. We euthanize our pets far before they get to the state my Father was in. We as a society literally withheld food and water until he died of thirst and starvation, tied in his bed.
So I have mixed emotions. I haven't shed a tear yet, but it's not time. When it comes I'll cry like a baby. I'm not afraid to-it's not weakness, but it's just not quite the right time.
Grief is a funny little critter. If you have your parents: call them, if your estranged- make up...extend the Olive Branch. I did for 7 years before my dad took it and we had 9 or 10 awesome years together that we wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm going to Travelocity, Expedia etc. right now to get tickets. Work is awesome and I have about 7 or 8 days off with 3 paid Bereavement days.
DON'T BE AFRAID OF SILENCE: IT'S POWERFUL (& GOLDEN.)
The words of comfort above are well meant from friends and co-workers, I DON'T MEAN TO SELL THEM SHORT- I'VE USED THEM, BUT WILL CHOOSE CAREFULLY BEFORE i SAY THEM AGAIN.....but sometimes just a look in the eye and a big hug is all that needs to be said! I'll take both, because I know they are all well intentioned. It feels good to write it out also. I may write more when I get back- I may not. It just depends. But I know I can share it with you guys either way. You're special.
Love you all,
G'Bye for now- until we meet in Heaven ,Jack Henry McElveen.
Your Very Loving son,
John
I'm sorry your father had to suffer so much at the end - it hardly seems a worthy end to life. You are so correct in saying that we are kinder to our pets than fellow humans. How is it more humane to starve and dehydrate someone than to let them drift away narcotically? It is a relief to know he no longer suffers.
ReplyDeleteBut again - you no longer have his presence. There is no longer any hope for a miracle - until we all rise - that will bring him back however temporarily. And he will be missed.
It is a good time to remember all the good things because however strained the relationship may have been at times, your Dad is no longer capable of hurting you. What's done is done. He is at peace and so your relationship with him can be at peace as well.
You have my sincere condolences.
ReplyDeleteHe is indeed in a much better place.
I don't understand the needless suffering out society forces on the terminally ill. It's a cruelty no one should be forced to endure.
I am so sorry, John. I remember reading about your father's condition a while back and praying for him.
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful that you were able to spend some good years with your dad and put the past behind you.
BIG hugs to you, my friend!! My thoughts are with you right now and may God bless you all!
xoxo
Prayers to you and yours, John.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry John, you and your Mrs. must be in a lost feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteMy father and mother both suffered before passing, I actually knew I'd miss my mother terribly but prayed for her to be able to go. It was the hardest thing I ever did, she passed within hours of my prayers.
There will be a reuniting in our passing...Hugs John, ...Asking for blessing on your family.
You guys are awesome. Prayers and Condolences received and greatly appreciated.
ReplyDeleteBe back soon & Love to you all.
John & Sandi
Dear John -I am so sorry for your loss but am happy to see you have peace too.
ReplyDeleteWe're here for you.
I'm sorry this is short-still under the weather and praying nothing serious.
I came over to thank you for your prayer and to let you know I did pull the post because I was whining about my health. It was a knee jerk reaction. But I wanted you to know I appreciated your thoughtfulness and here you are going through the loss of your dad.
It is a peaceful feeling when You know they are at peace with god and with him.
I don't have peace about Mom's death for a bunch of reasons.
I am praying for a sign... to let me know..it was alright and she is alright.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Please know you are not alone.
Sea- Thank you, and I do pray for your recovery and a sign or complete peace about your Mom!
ReplyDeleteI do know I'm not alone and that is a Great comfort!
J