I left home Friday at the usual time and I wish I could say I had "a feeling", something was different, I "KNEW IT", or I had received some type of psychic signal, but that would be a total lie. I went to work without any other than the regular thoughts and mental preparations for the day. As some of you know my Dad has been very Ill since right before the new Year. (See linked post if you wish).
When I got to work the phone rang at 11:30 and it was my wife. Uh oh, I thought, this can't be good. She never calls me at work since she knows we are so busy unless it's pretty important. We had talked to my stepmother last night- we call every day now, and dad was resting (in his Morphine induced state) apparently comfortably. He was not fidgety nor was he pulling at his catheter.
But that was last PM. Today his temp went from 99.6 to 103.6, at 11:30. The phone rang again at 12:30, and I knew the news this time. My wife was crying softly, trying to be brave for me, and said Simply, "Baby, your Dad's gone." Silence, I digested it as well as I could, told her thanks and I would see her in a minute.
Mixed emotions: "He's in a better place, He's not hurting, He's with Jesus' "- all very nice words of comfort, and true------but F___ it- He's NOT HERE! What a contrast of emotions. He had no quality of life. We euthanize our pets far before they get to the state my Father was in. We as a society literally withheld food and water until he died of thirst and starvation, tied in his bed.
So I have mixed emotions. I haven't shed a tear yet, but it's not time. When it comes I'll cry like a baby. I'm not afraid to-it's not weakness, but it's just not quite the right time.
Grief is a funny little critter. If you have your parents: call them, if your estranged- make up...extend the Olive Branch. I did for 7 years before my dad took it and we had 9 or 10 awesome years together that we wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm going to Travelocity, Expedia etc. right now to get tickets. Work is awesome and I have about 7 or 8 days off with 3 paid Bereavement days.
DON'T BE AFRAID OF SILENCE: IT'S POWERFUL (& GOLDEN.)
The words of comfort above are well meant from friends and co-workers, I DON'T MEAN TO SELL THEM SHORT- I'VE USED THEM, BUT WILL CHOOSE CAREFULLY BEFORE i SAY THEM AGAIN.....but sometimes just a look in the eye and a big hug is all that needs to be said! I'll take both, because I know they are all well intentioned. It feels good to write it out also. I may write more when I get back- I may not. It just depends. But I know I can share it with you guys either way. You're special.
Love you all,
G'Bye for now- until we meet in Heaven ,Jack Henry McElveen.
Your Very Loving son,