Saturday, July 5, 2008


Or how to kill a Fifth! Best not done with a straw. Straw-anything- hat, skirt, mat, hut etc. These items are prone to fire as well as spontaneous combustion- (UH- Unknow source of really hot destructive fire); some think Tequila may be involved but the jury is still well, HUNG! And as everyone knows the Fourth of July is Rife with tings that shizizzle, smoke, sputter, pop and go boom, all with the start of a LIGHTER!

Keep enough Cold Corona to douse any errant flamers, or Flamers in case there are a couple left over from the party. They were mandatory for decoration and pulling the whole thing together, and they deserve the best safety measures we can supply! We don't need any lawsuits due to POP goes the Weasels!

Otherwise You are on your own. If you head hurts, you are visiting the porcelain Throne, or "women", you found yourself Clam Bumping with the chick from the deli across the street from work, you are again on your own. Explain that to your boyfriend! Unless of course he was watching!

MEN-MEN-MEN- DO NOT FART!!!!!!! This will only bring about embarrassment, a terrible foul odor, the ire of your Clam Bumping girfriend, date, ho biatch, wife, (you can use photos ((see below)) against her later, in court. And a quick trip home to change drawers! Again- You are On your own!

If you don't remember who through the party, you were at the right one. Write them a thank you note apologizing for as many things as you see that are broken or charred beyond recognition. DO NOT SIGN YOU NAME! The gesture is enough! Thank them for the delicious food, they will have no friggin idea what was served either.

Hope you had a Happy and safe 4th. Oh, one more thing, count all your fingers, cats, and closely inspect your dog, for sizzle spots, burned off whiskers, and the smell of Gunpowder around his ass! If any found, treat Him/her to some IAMS (YES SPEND THE MONEY!!!!!!)and Love them unconditionally until they stop trembling!


PS: If you can- round up any and all digital pictures that might incriminate you, (save any Clam Bumpers that may have turned out and pay people to destroy the rest! Thank God most of these are the tops of heads, a closeup of an out of focus titty, and many other unrecognizable items, prople and group fotos!


  1. You must have had a very interesting 4th!! Holy smokes. We don't get quite so excited here in Canada - it tends to be a family day. Of course, there are families and then there are families.

  2. Hey-- Is we is- or is we ain't- Family? Yo Suthern Cusin.



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