Thursday, September 23, 2010

JUST LAUGH---THAT'S ALL--JUST LAUGH!


JUST LAUGH---THAT'S ALL--JUST LAUGH!


The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


Please enjoy the following collection, with compliments to all who originated them :


1.
 DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.
 ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3.
 ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.
 IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5.
 THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.
 I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7.
 WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.
 IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. 
IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.
 IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.
 WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12.
 WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13.
 IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.
 WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.
 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16.
 IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.
 CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.
 IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19.
 WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20.
 HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.
 WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.
 ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23.
 DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24.
 DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25.
 HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26.
 IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27.
 IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28.
 IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29.
 WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30.
 WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31.
 WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32.
 WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33.
  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34.
 CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?


35. WHY DO THEY CALL THE APARTMENTS IF THEY ARE ALL STUCK TOGETHER? 


36. WHY DO SHIPMENTS GO BY CAR, AND CARGO, BY SHIPS? 

37. WHY DO YOU DRIVE ON THE PARKWAY, AND PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY?

37. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THESE?-- 

"BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME, YOU WANT TO HUG ME, YOU RALLY LIIIKE ME!!!"  (IN SANDRA BULLOCK'S VOICE- AS GRACIELOU FREEBUSH!- MS. CONCEN, CONGEALED, CUNILI,  LIKABLE PERSON.)

JMc 

SLY D. FOX KNEW HIS FAMILY WOULD EAT WELL- NOW THAT HE HAD MASTERED THE FIRE STICK!



POLITICALLY AND SOCIALLY INCORRECT!


9 comments:

  1. If I'm a Taco Bell employee, and they catch me eating the HOT SAUCE without paying for it, would they "FIRE MY ASS" ?

    ReplyDelete
  2. HA HA! GOOD ONE HEEF-E--MAYBE THAT IS WHERE wdd COMES FROM!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love it. thanks for making me smile today

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL! Loved these!
    By the way, I was just reading that the best thing before sliced bread was...potato crisps! (Honestly!)

    VBHFATP!

    ReplyDelete
  5. On an Atheists tombstone "All dressed up and no place to go"

    and another question, when it rains why is it that sheep don't shrink?

    and another: They say the early bird gets the worm but it's the second mouse that get's the cheese.

    OK I'll stop now---Loved it Buddy :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. SoccerMom- glad you could smile! Missed you lately!!! Everything going OK?

    J


    Alice--dang it- I had a good long response and got that Blogger error again,

    anyway it involved Hugs and Chinese Lanterns- wink!

    VVVBHFATP,

    John

    Jimmy-- see e-mail Bro! Those are the bomb!

    J

    ReplyDelete
  7. THIS WEEK, ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL :

    http://www.thenakedscientists.com/forum/index.php?topic=182.0

    ReplyDelete
  8. Heff-- OMG! We're famous!!

    I knew it was weather related- since we have had no rain for 28 days.... wait till a pic I have this pile turns! I'm talking Guinness Record Baby!

    J

    ReplyDelete

Incredibly smart relies: