TWISTED HUMOR: ADULT WARNING!!!!

Subject: I just know you'll find some of these twisted humors amusing!

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said, "No, just taking a shit." 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me. 3. Too crass believe it or not: Deleted. 4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me" Because I am trying to examine you." 5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fuckin start?." 6. I parked in a disabled person's spot today and a cop yelled at me "Show me proof of your disability." I shouted back at him, "Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole." Quote of the Day by Rita Rudner: "I WAS A VEGETARIAN, UNTIL I STARTED LEANING TOWARDS THE SUNLIGHT."

CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY TO POPPA!

stripper sold separately

DEATH & DYING

natures way..............(double click = larger)

IT HAPPENS. DEAL WITH IT IN YOUR OWN WAY.
PROFOUND HUH?




J

BIRD & SWINE FLU SCARE JUST WON'T LEAVE

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

WATCH OUT FOR THE WARM SPOT

BUTT CRACK BILL (PASSES SENATE)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY I'm just passing this thought along ..... Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a strippers butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day .. :)

SWINE & BIRD FLEW

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE? THAT'S RIGHT, BLACKBERRIES?
WHY ARE THEY RED? BECAUSE I'VE EATEN ALL THE BLACK ONES. WHAT A CROP THIS YEAR. THE BIRDS DID NOT GET THEM AND I ONLY SAW A RATTLESNAKE AND TWO BLACK SNAKES AROUND THEM. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR THE CRITTERS TO COME EAT THE BLACKBERRIES- LIKE ME!

GOD SURE SUPPLIES US WELL! I THINK THEY ARE MADE OF PORK, I'M NOT SURE.



IF THE BIRD (AVIAN) FLU AND SWINE FLU JUMPED FECES (SPECIES), WE'D BETTER NOT EVER LOOK UP!

COURSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN LIKE: WHEN PIGS FLY!!!!!!

ALSO, WE COULD HAVE EVIAN WATER, AND FLAVOR IT WITH PORK, AND DROP IT IN THE DESERT ON THE MUSLIMS! HOW FRICKIN' FUNNY WOULD THAT BE!!!!!!!!!

YOU DRANK PORK JUICE---JEWS? NOW GO TO ALLAH!!! NOT JEWS- I LOVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE AND THEIR HERITAGE. I JUST WANT THEIR MONEY-------AND HOLLYWOOD.
RUH ROH!- POLITICORELIGIOSO AGAIN!

SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE! I NEED A PIG/BIRD ICON STAT! FOR THE SWINEAVIAN FLU MASCOTT! A BIG UN!



j

LEFT, RIGHT or SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE?

AMERICAS' FIRST LADY
I HAPPEN TO THINK SHE IS A CLASSY, WELL EDUCATED LADY, ALL POLITICAL ASPERSIONS ASIDE.

Remember the previous post when I said two things that must not be discussed on a Blog?

Politics and Religion?

WELL: HERE IS SOME OF BOTH:

I would like to find exactly the quote that Congressman Forbes is referring to, and referencing President Obama making, but I do know from watching some of the speeches during his trip he straddled the fence Big Time.
I still believe in the past adage:

YOU DON'T DO BUSINESS WITH TERRORISTS!
THANK YOU TROOPS & GOD BLESS AMERICA, AMERICA: BLESS GOD!

I'm not sayin'......I'm just sayin........... Draw your own conclusions, but at least ponder the implications. Here is a 4-5 min clip of a response to what President Obama talked about on his trip.


This was forwarded to me in an E-mail, the words below are not mine and I am respecting the persons privacy as I did not request permission to post (their name). Content is open game.

Need to watch this 5 minutes clip!!

Subject: Obama Corrected by Congressman (A YouTube that should be seen by everyone)
I found this very interesting. amazing what does not make the news nowadays.

Let's all pass this "You tube around".......

This one is a "keeper" and needs to be sent around the world! I like this man. And I for one, am of the same belief as he, and how he so eloquently expressed it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpQOCvthw-o

REFLECTIONS

ME ON MY MORNING COMMUTE.
TIME WISE- EXCELLENT, BUT GAS IS A B_______.

I just wanted to share this with anyone who happens by, take what you will and think/pray about it......and maybe today we can make a difference in someones' life.

The Wife and I are celebrating Anniversary Numero 27 today!

After just losing my Dad- (we've) looked everywhere too!), and the anniversary, this is a very good and sweet time in my life. This is one of those days where (I) put up a little Spiritual Marker, so when I look back, I'll know what was going on during this time period in my journey. That's the whole and sole reason I blog. This is what I would've written today when I did my daily devotions ( no I'm not so disciplined I do them everyday for 20 plus years- but I'm pretty consistent. So you're kinda getting a peek under the hood so to speak, of John. Yeah, you are right--it is a bit SCARY isn't it? And we just got our apps for concealed weapons permits!!!!!)

Journaling has allowed me to look back- (I've been doing it for about 20- 25 years now- (not every day, and some years more than others), but to prod the memory and it's amazing at the pattern of my life and how the Fabric may change.....but the Goal is the same. I would not have noticed those patterns had I not jotted them down I don't think. I guess I'm just kinda taking notes as I walk through life. These and all those notebooks from years past--are just my sticky notes. There's probably a book or two in there. Yeah- I'm one of those frustrated writer types, but we all have a story to tell. Only problem is, is getting someone to listen. I mean REALLY LISTEN and "GET IT". That's cool when that happens -in any relationship. When you know you've been heard and whether agreed or disagreed with- been Validated. And yes, I think that's important to a degree to. Isn't that why we all Blog, Twitter, Facebook, Network, etc? We are social creatures by nature, but this world has gotten so crazy, you almost need that Jet above to protect you from just the PHYSICAL harm people can inflict! Not to mention the BRAIN CONTROL the media, TV, Internet etc. forces on us.

Here are a couple more things that are popping into my head while writing this:

1. Believe nothing, until you have researched and confirmed it yourself. (Esp. about what is said about other people).

2. Don't use Wikipedia as a resource. It's open source and any fact can be added or taken away from the truth!

3. Socialize- en face, with people. Don't loose your conversational and social skills. Resurrect manners and etiquette into a sorely lacking society.

4. Believe in God. Use the Bible as a STANDARD (just my suggestion- you pick your Book, Foundation etc.) We all have to have a base, a starting point to relate FROM, so we can relate TO. Choose your God carefully, wisely and don't let anyone force their God on you. Agree to disagree on the Chit that doesn't matter, but take the best, the intrinsic good stuff from all disciplines and Socialize around those principles.

5. NEVER- Blog about Religion or Politics! lol.

6. Laugh.....no, I mean LAUGH. Laugh your ass off until you cry, can't breathe or pee. Only then can you take a Breath to laugh some more and shoot snot out of your nose from laughing.

7. Laugh at anyone who shoots snot out of their nose!

8. Hug. Someone, something, even if it's imaginary until you can find the physical, but just hug! Best Blood pressure medicine in the world!

9. Don't make it to 10. Things don't have to be EVEN, and neat and perfect. In fact the less perfect the better. In fact, look for the imperfections and in those you will find perfection! Be TOLERANT. We're not the only ones on the planet, in the store, driving, etc.

I had absolutely no Idea that anything more than the e-mail post was going to be put up. Amazing when you relax and things just tumble out. I must have been holding these thoughts in for a while. Cool.

Full-on Forward

J

Keepers............

I grew up in the 50's with practical parents. A mother, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused...their best friends lived barely a wave away.

I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things: a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, oven door, hem in a dress. Things we keep.


It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy...all that re-fixing, eating, renewing...just once I wanted to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more, but then my Dad died, and on that chilly spring night, in that cold hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that there isn't "anymore.' What we care about most gets all used up and goes away....never to return. So...while we have it...it's best we love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.
This is true. For marriage, and old cars, and children with bad report cards, and aging parents and grandparents, and dogs with bad hips. We keep them because they are WORTH it, because we are WORTH it. Some things we keep...a best friend that moved away or a class-mate that we grew up with.
There are just some things that make LIFE important: like people we know who are special...so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thinks of me a 'keeper', so I've sent it to you, as I think of YOU in the same way...a KEEPER! Now, it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life. Good friends are like stars.... you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!

Ten things that God won't ask on THAT day:

1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5. God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6. God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.

7. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

8. God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.

9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

10. God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to, He already knows your decision...your Keepers.

The above are fairly good truisms if you will, for any belief system. Pick those you choose to follow, and forward what you will.. Pick out what works for you and enjoy life!!!!!!!!

John

GO NAVY!!! TERRORIST RELEASE PROGRAMS SEEMS TO WORK!!!

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist

- I can't believe it!!!!!

WHEN IT COMES TO THESE BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL PHOTO PRESS OPS, WITH THE.......LET'S TREAT THEM WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT, I WANT TO PUKE, I SEE RED, AND MY BLOOD BEGINS TO BOIL....BUT AFTER READING AND STUDYING THIS A LITTLE MORE, i MAY HAVE TO GIVE THE NAVY PROPS ON THIS ONE.

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea .

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Falcon automobile upon being released from custody. The Navy even went to the trouble to ensure his Seat Belt was correctly fastened.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

GO NAVY!

SWINE FLU ALERT

YES, ONCE AGAIN IN A NEVER CEASING EFFORT TO HELP MY FELLOW MAN/WOMAN KIND I HAVE TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF TO BE RESPONSIBLE, AND STEP UP TO THE PLATE (OR TROUGH), AS YOU (S)WILL-(sorry u just can't help it- you know what I mean)!

TO ONCE AND FOR ALL PUT TO REST WHETHER YOU SHOULD GO TO WORK, SHOULDN'T GO, TAKE THE KIDS, LEAVE THE KIDS ET AL:

I HAVE COME UP WITH A SIMPLE YET FOOLPROOF WAY TO DETERMINE; IF YOU SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T, WHY YOU SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T, & WHETHER YOU SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE! WAIT- THIS IS YOUR MORAL DECISION AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY-- OHHH OHHH, SWINE FLU......THAT'S IT!

AND STOP CALLING ME SHIRLEY:

I WILL NOW, HAVING A CLEAR CONSCIENCE, RETURN TO LISTEING TO BOSTON (WIDE OPEN)- MORE THAN A FEELING if you must know....AS I SHOULD BEFORE I TOOK SOMETHING UPON MYSELF--OH YES:
(BECAUSE IT'S THE NEXT SONG PLAYING)
AHEM......



IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND YOU EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLE THIS PICTURE.................

STAY HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU DO NOT REMEMBER BRINGING THIS PERSON HOME: SWITCH ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GET THE WORD OUT TO AS MANY AS YOU CAN-----WE OWE TO OUR FELLOW MAN!

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!

We sure have had our share of Rain this Spring. After several years of deficit we are making up for it in spades. And this is the damaging, 25 cent to Golf ball sized hail, Frog choker storms I'm talking about. Building up so high in the heat of the day and getting so full that they just turn upside down dropping 2 1/2 3 inches in an hour or so...and then disappearing.

Funny thing, Weather. We can all talk about, all relate to it, all have a story, or multiple stories both scary and good about Weather. Interesting. It's like the Earth just breathing in and out, in and out.......and then: Fart! A Tsunami wipes out India, or Burp- there goes Nawleans.

Huh. Kinda funny isn't it when you really think about it.


J

OH, DEAR! ALL THESE PICS AND NOWHERE TO PUT THEM!

Now this is one of the ones I like.............Taken in Charleston SC harbor, leaning over the side of the bow and timing the shot- traveling about 22 mph in our Tournament Fishing boat on the way out of the harbor. (We WON best boat for the tourney (King Mackerel) and I got 2 certificates for largest fish of an Amberjack 16lb. and a Bonita 8 lb. on Ultralight tackle. $500 dollar first prize and an ass load of whichever Beer Company was sponsoring it!

I just downloaded all my pics from Google Online and I have almost filled up a 300 Gigabyte hard drive. I still have a ton of these on Snapfish, Ofoto, etc. ad nauseam; not to mention the 10000,s that I still have to scan in. It's amazing I've taken so many 35 mm snapshots over the years, and now with the ease of Digital- I can hopefully manage them better.

How many pics of the same valley of the Blue Ridge Parkway do you need? My mother lives up there for Goodness sake!!! They all look exactly alike. Having them on disc and the ability to see them one after another makes it sooooo much easier to delete them by the score keeping very few that had any artistic content to them at all.! Not to mention those during the late 70's early 80's LOL!!!!! Damn that must have been some goooood pot for me to have kept those pics. LOL.

I am finding that out of every 100 GREAT PICS I thought I took maybe, maybe...MAYBE 2 or 3 are really worth keeping for content or artistic merit. There are many many more of PEOPLE, with actual faces that seem to be so much better to keep for memories sake. Now I'm going to assort and go through these 100000,s of pics and keep very few of the "Artistic Ones, but make very memorable scrapbooks of people...replete with the stories behind them. The stories unfortunately will fade long before the pictures will, so I need to get them down first.

These scrapbooks won't mean much except to a very few people; but to those few they will be as Gold! With Dad's death a lot of my perspectives have changed- especially with him being propped up in the corner- (We're still saving up for the cremation). Wait a sec.....I'll try to get a quick pic up to post...............


to be continued,



J