GUN vs. WOMAN

I just found out that this was written by a Blogging friend and Genius over 14 years ago and want to give due credit! He is not seeking it, nor would he necessarily want it. However, in my new classes, we are learning about Plagiarism and it is very important if you can find the author- to cite that author. It's kinda like Knighting him or her.

So HAMMER- I cite You, as duly certified Author of this post I plagiarized!

J

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

HERSHIEISH SQUIRTIEST- LATIN for HERSHEY SQUIRTS

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel

movement may result'. This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:

Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the

bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but

to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I

was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'

.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Dave Sable- Newshound's Journal- Source Unknown
This is a great bathroom read! I felt flushed after I read it.
No Chit, Lightheaded with rectum of fire. I had to sit in a Gallon, (which is now only 28.8 ounces at $58.00 an ounce) of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream. I then took a dump outside and immediately set the woods on fire. MoviePrep is an excellent accelerant if you plan an doing anything Arsonish!

Squirrels and Rabbits were laughing at me until I asked a Rabbit if doo doo stuck to his fur. He said yes, something fierce..so I picked him up and wiped with him. Stoopid Bunny! Well that about does it for all things fecal.
I know it was a crappy read, but I couldn't think of anything else. My wife asked what I was gonna rite about now that I am taking College Research Writin' type paper courses. I said wipe ass me? Cow shit I know? Ass ole Bob. That's the turd time today you've butted in! Then she shaved her legs and wrecked 'em. Backed into an airplane- dis-assed her completely. Crap- gotta runs again. Later.

J

I have had an average of 3-4 hours of sleep the last 4 days and have been up for the last 36. That is the reason I'm giving for the above post. That is my story and I'm sticking the bunny to it! Tune in next week as my guest will be Seapspray, to walk us through, Catheterization 101, or How to become a Bladdering idiot! Urine trouble now for sure.

No 17,000 foot tube for this proceedure...... Only 6,000 for women, and 10-12,000 for men. Or in my case 18,000- but hey, I don't want to brag.
I am hallucinating and drooling on my keyboard and feel it is time to go to bed. I'm sure you will agree with me!

Until next week...Urine good Hands with Ballstate!

COMPUTER CRASH

i HAVE HAD THE PLEASURE OF HAVING THE bLUE SCREEN OF DEATH SHOW UP NOY ONCE, BUT TWICE IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS. i HAD TO DO A RECOVERY INSTALL AND REINTRODUCE ALL MY APPLICATIONS, INCLUDING A 733 NEGABIT ms-oFFICE 2007 FILE with no cd!

i HAVE SINCE ORDERED IT AS BACKUP BUT HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET. tHEN IT CRASHED AGAIN AND i HAD TO DO A FORMAT AND INSTALL. aLL THE WHILE i HAD MULTIPLE HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS DUE IN WORD FORMATS- RIGHT-THEY DON'T TAKE WORKS. WELL I'VE ALMOST RE DOWNLOADED WORD.
HhAVE BOTH MY bROWSERS REINSTALLED, UPDATED TO WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER 11 AGAIN AND AGAIN, LOST ALL MY MUSIC AS WELL AS DOCUMENTS FROM THE FIRST BLOCK OF CLASSES. NO BIGGIE- THEY'RE ON-LINE.

AND I'M STILL FRIGGIN TYPING IN CAPS LOCK- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WILL BE BACK TO POSTING SOON, SO PLEASE DON'T ABANDON ME.

LOVE TO YOU ALL, AND I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T GET WINDOWS VISTA. THIS WAS A SELF IMPOSED DELETION OF A HARMLESS (MY ASS( REGISTRY FILE, AND SOMETHING IN THE START MENU THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER CRASHED WINDOWS! LIVE AND LEARN.

LOVE,

JOHN (OF BLUE MAN GROUP!) BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH , BLUE DINGLEBERRIES, BLUE TUDE, AND ALMOST BLUE MY BRAINS OUT! LOL-JUST KIDDING!

j

TIM RUSSERT

Thank you, Tim. GODBLESS & my Prayers and thoughts are with your Family. Thank you for so many years of selfless service to our Nation. You will be missed!

NEW INTERNATIONAL SYMBOL FOR GASOLINE

OR SHOULD THAT BE ASSOLINE?

TO ALL MY CYBER FRIENDS!!!!

Please Read all the way to the bottom. If you will take the time to read these I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis. They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words.Enjoy....... I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. To all of you.... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to th e person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED! Now send this to every friend you have!! And to your family. This was sent to me by a friend.

I KNOW I SHOULD AVOID POLITICAL POSTS!

Ant and The Grasshopper

Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself !

-------------------------------------------

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.

GRADUATION FOR A FRIEND

SOME THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR:

CACTUS FLOWER
SUNSETS- ALL OF THEM!
WEEDS- OUT OF FOCUS ON PURPOSE!
BIRDS-(THIS IS THE POPPA CARDINAL AGAIN)
SUMMER- IT'S GOING TO BE 103 TOMORROW- BUT I'M ALIVE!


We had the honor of going over to a friend of mines house today to celebrate his daughters' High School Graduation. Her name is Tressie and she is an awesome Young Adult. Their whole family has welcomed us with opened arms. We have met all of his five children and been to several BBQ's, a minor league Baseball game-((the Columbia Blowfish)- YEP LIKE HOOTIE AND;- WHO ARE FROM COLUMBIA)), where we met Stephen His Oldest son, and his finance Kara. She worked for them and was able to get us free tickets. I'm all over FREE!

They both just graduated from USC this Spring and are just beginning their lives together! They showed us pictures of the first starter home they are buying. They are getting married in September and we will probably travel to Alabama for the wedding. They are as excited as a Young Christian couple can be.

She is going to move into the house in June and Stephen is going to stay with his parents until after they are married! Is that awesome or what? Talk about respect for each other and living the faith. It is so refreshing to see bright Young Adults living and setting moral examples amidst the peer pressure and accepted morays of todays society.

It is a throw back to the 50's and 60's when Joe and I grew up. Thousands of miles apart, Joe was in Alaska in the Air Force, and I was in Florida and SC. But we are as close as brothers, and Spiritually in sync. A rare find. We are two years apart in age and work at the Urgent Care together. He was an ED Tech like me, went back and got his LPN degree and is now finishing his RN.

I was an ED Tech at the same time he was and now I am splitting off from the clinical to the Managerial side. I have all my pre-requisites to start clinical s- but God has sent me in a different direction! We work together tomorrow for the first time tomorrow in years. Joe had Triple bypass one year before I did. He had a stent placed one year before I did, both while we were working together. If he dies, I have one year to live- LOL!

Hang on to friendships- develop new ones, keep established traditions going at all costs and start new ones with new friends. Live like it is your last day on Earth but plan for tomorrow. Take nothing for granted, even the trials are for you betterment.

This may seem trivial, but pursue (I know- pun intended)life with a huger and thirst for living, and experiencing everything you can. Make a list of dreams and goals and cross them off as you DO them. Dream BIG!!!!!!!

DARE TO DREAM BIG DREAMS! We have a BIG God. OK-, he is only a 36 in the waist, but His power is endless!

I Love each and every one that honors me by reading this personal mushy drivel..but I have gained a little wisdom in 54 years. My wife and I will celebrate Anniversary # 26 on June 11th. 26 Years, 3 of them Happy! LOL! She gives me love and support as well as all my opinions. I am housebroken and a much much better person, because of her kind, gentle praying Spirit! She is my angel!!!!!

Appreciate those around you. Don't let the sun or Son, go down on your anger. Reconcile before it is too late. Kiss your Loved ones Goodnight and as you leave for wherever in the mornings! I think it was Garth Brooks who said, Dare to Dance the River, Dare to Chance the Tide! (To paraphrase!)

Love to all!

John

COP OUT MIDWEEK POST!

BABY CARDINAL

PROUD POPPA

100 DEGREE + HEAT INDEX (and it's only JUNE!)

Cop out Mid Week Post

Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1
or more people.
Nothing will
happen but 1 or more people laughing

ANAPHYLACTIC REACTION

I was sitting at the front desk fixing to discharge a patient when registration crashed through to the back saying someone has to come out here and help these two men who have a friend who can't breath. They think it's an allergic reaction to two ALLEVE he took. Well were the hell was Misty who was supposed to be in assessment waiting on just that scenario?

So out I run and slumped in the wheelchair is a late 30'ish man with dilated pupils and a snoring, gurgling;(BAD) respiration. I had him in the wheel chair supporting his airway with the jaw thrust maneuver while trying to find an open room. On the way I had the s-tube (an airway and bite stick that keeps the tongue out of the way, opens the airway and allows suction at the same time. I did not have time to place it as he vomited and I quickly turned his head to the side and did a finger sweep to keep him from aspirating. At this point he was Chane-Stoking and was blue from nipples up. Not what you want to see. We hauled ass to a room and I did a fireman's carry and lifted him over the wheelchair and onto the stretcher. We'll talk about the back pain another day!

On the stretcher, he regained some of his respirations and was able to start verbalizing things to us. I relaxed at that time and went for a non-rebreather mask- some nunb nuts had pulled out a cannulae!!!!
I pushed him up to 15 liters and with in a minute or two his O2 sat was 98% with his tachypnea slowed from 36 to 24 and a pulse of 158 to around 120-100. He had an 18 jelco in his Rt ac within 30 seconds and 3 cc of Epi IM vs sub cu. The ER Doc said the IM was actuality faster than sub cu, well it worked. He responded beautifully and was subsequently sent home in stable condition.

This is a beautiful picture of the dance that goes on in a semi critical situation. No one freaked, we did what we had to do in an incredibly efficient and short time with outstanding results.

I told him to take two Alleve and call me in the morning!

Medical ballet at it's finest! A dance of life with everyone knowing their rolls were and not a word spoken. Ok a few words, BP---80 paplp, Trendelenberg?; YEP, and get me the epi!


John