Wednesday, January 27, 2010

BORDER WARS

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT. . . .

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD
LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM
AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY
AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

A JOB ,
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD ,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE ,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T
GET ENOUGH RESPECT

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

STIMULUS TAX REFUND- SPEND IT WISELY!



Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format.

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy..

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.


Below you will find some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

1 If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
2 If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3 If you purchase a computer, it will go to India or China,
4 If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
5 If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6 If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7 If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by:

1 Spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2 Going to baseball or football games, or
3 Hiring prostitutes, or
4 Buying cheap beer or
5 Getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.

Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to
go get tattooed.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

NEW CAR PROTECTION

I HAVE BEEN HAVING A LOT OF PROBLEMS GETTING LINKS AND VIDEOS TO PLAY IN BLOGGER. IF YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE VIEWING THIS PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

I REALLY WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO SEE THIS AS THIS NEW PRODUCT WILL SAVE MILLIONS THE AGONIZING PROBLEM OF BIRDS MESSING UP NEWLY WASHED AND WAXED CARS.THIS INVENTION SHOULD HELP ALLEVIATE THIS MENACING PROBLEM!!!!!

video

ATTITUDES: YOUR CHOICE!


This has been around several times, but I really felt like posting it again. In this day and age in America, we can let situations, trials and challenges control and affect us. Or we can consciously CHOOSE how we are going to LET them control and effect us. We truly do have the ability and the power over many of our emotions, and more importantly how we respond to the trials and tribulations that are inevitably thrown our way.

 NEUROSIS IS ALWAYS A SUBSTITUTE FOR LEGITIMATE SUFFERING.

M. SCOTT PECK, A ROAD LESS TRAVELED


John (COINCIDENCE)   is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'


He was a natural motivator.



If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.


Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!



You can't be a positive person all of the time How do you do it?'



He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood


I choose to be in a good mood.'


Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or....I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.



Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.



'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.




'Yes, it is,' he said... 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.




You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'




I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.




Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.




After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.



I saw him about six months after the accident.




When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins..Wanna see my scars?'



I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.



'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'



Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked



He continued, '..the paramedics were great.




They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'




'What did you do?' I asked.



'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''




Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'




He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.



Attitude, after all, is everything 
.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


You have two choices now:


1. How you respond to this



2. or,  CHOOSE, how you respond to this.




 
Love to you all,

John

 

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

WILL THIS WORK?

Let's see if this link will work for my New Invention. I'll be selling this on the Internet. Tired of Birds ruining your newly washed and waxed car? Especially for Fords!

Try this............   WELL- CLICK ON THE LINK!!!  geesh............ and open with Windows Media Player


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=c37ddf38b3&view=att&th=1261f51faac151fb&attid=0.1&disp=attd

SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY ADVICE?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT!

I CAN'T GIVE ANY. IT WON'T EVEN POST. HOW CAN SOMEONE TAKE, FOLLOW, USE, OR EVEN DISCOUNT MY ADVICE, IF I CAN'T EVEN GIVE ANY? HUH????? WELL????


TAKE MY ADVICE.....PLEASE......

DON'T TAKE IT AT ALL!

MORE TO FOLLOW


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

LIFE





 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 
 
Have a Fantastic day!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
 

 
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
 








Have a Fantastic day!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.



Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

WHY ARE RAINCOATS YELLOW?

Five years from now you will be pretty much the same person you are today except for two things: the books you read and the people you get close to.
~Charles Jones

Why are Raincoats Yellow?



         
        cid:2.2713262224@web57701.mail.re3.yahoo.com

Any More Questions?




Monday, January 11, 2010

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
>      An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
>      that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
>      explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
>      stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
>      even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
>      'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
>      later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says..
>      'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>   
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!
>   
>   
> ______________________________________________________________________
> __
>   
>   
>      Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
>      together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
>      her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
>      'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
>      94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
>      up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
>      'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
>      sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
>      sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
>      never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then
>      yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
>      I see who's at the door.'
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
>   
> ______________________________________________________________________
> __
>   
>   
>   
>      'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
>   
>      Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
>      one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
>      isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
>      'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
>      'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
>   
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
>   
> ______________________________________________________________________
> _
>   
>      A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
>    nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
>      her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
>      an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
>      she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
>      or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
>      soup.'
>   
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
>   
> ____________________________________________________________________
>   
>      Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
>   
>      Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
>      the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
>      adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
>    meeting a few times a week to play cards.
>   
>      One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
>      other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
>      we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
>      think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
>      can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
>   
>      Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
>      just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
>      soon do you need to know?'
>   
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
>   
>   
>   
> ______________________________________________________________________
> _
>   
>      SENIOR DRIVING
>   
>      As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
>      phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
>      urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
>      that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
>      Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
>      'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of  them!'
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
> _________________________________________________________________
>   
>   
>      DRIVING
>   
>      Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
>      could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
>      along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
>      but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
>      seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
>      have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
>   
>      After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
>      and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
>      woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
>      had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
>      it. She was getting nervous.
>   
>      At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
>      and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
>      and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
>      through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
>      both!'
>   
>      Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
>   
>   
>   
>      TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
>   
 
>     
> ________________________________
  



Friday, January 8, 2010

PERSONAL PROTECTION! CATION-BEVERAGE ALERT!


QUOTING GRACIE- "DON'T DO IT DIP-SHIT!"-

READ ON AT OWN RISK!!!!




Don't drink anything while reading this, could cause a soak-age condition to your computer!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



P.s.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2010 HANDBOOK







HANDBOOK 2010:

PICTURES ARE OF :                   DOC,  HOPE &  FAITH


Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past that will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21 No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

BOOTS








This is just funny!  

   



  


The Cowboy Boots


(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat 

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

CHRISTMAS GIFT EXCHANGE!

I GOT A SWEATER FOR CHRISTMAS!


I WANTED A SCREAMER OR A MOANER!


J


TIC  TIC TIC--  BOOM! TAKES A SEC HUH?