Sunday, July 1, 2012

INTERNATIONL JOKE DAY/ SHADOW SHOT SUNDAY!!



INTERNATIONAL JOKE DAY & SHADOW SHOT SUNDAY!!


click above to visit Tracy's- Pen & Paper!!!

THE LAST BATCH OF JOKES ARE AWESOME!



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. One Cannibal says to the other, "I can't STAND your Mother-in-Law"!
The other one says- "WELL JUST EAT THE POTATOES!"



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." 
 ??- I DON'T GET THIS ONE.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were  chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

13. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

14. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

15. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The  call went out that there was a small medium at large.

16. And finally, there was the person who sent ten or so different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did. 



 

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
_____________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
__________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
__________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your
wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
__________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,'
he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's There.'





 AND THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!

 TACKY--BUT FUNNY!

 

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on m

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Earthquake in Washington , D.C. its obviously the government's fault .

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .





LOVE AND LAUGHTER TO ALL!



JMc