Tuesday, September 20, 2011

ONE PUN IN 10 DID!



ONE PUN IN 10 DID!

OLDIES BUT GOODIES

 DRINK B4 READING--IT REALLY HELPS!


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.




2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."  

(THEN ALL YOU'D NEED IS A 1/2 MADE MARGARITA AND A DEAD CELL PHONE--SO YOU COULD BE CHARGED WITH A SALT AND A BATTERY!!! I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE--THAT'S FUNNY RIGHT THERE!)


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 
COPYING MY JOKE & THAT'S MY NUT!!





4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" THEN ONE CANNIBAL SAYS TO THE OTHER, "I CAN'T STAND YOUR MOTHER IN LAW!". THE OTHER SAID, "THEN JUST EAT THE POTATOES!"   3,   2,   1     BOOM!


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." DOLLY SAID, "REALLY?". DAISY SAYS, "YEAH, NO BULL!"


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 






 THE KIDS ABOVE PLAYING IN TEST TUBE!


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 







SEE THE WOMBAT ABOVE?  NO?   GOOD CAMO, EH?



12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were  chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


13. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 
 JUAN & AHMAL


14. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


15. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The  call went out that there was a small medium at large.


16. And finally, there was the person who sent ten or so different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.


No pun in ten did.


LOVE YOU AHMALL!!!

THIS WHOLE POST TANKED AND SHOULD BE THROWN IN THE LOO! IN LIEU OF ANYTHING DECENT TO POST!


JMc

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE!

Funny

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS: WARNING- SOME ARE NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
_____________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
__________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
__________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your
wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'  (AND AHMAL!)
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
__________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,'
he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's There.'