Thursday, February 25, 2010

LIFE's LESSONS IMPROVE WITH AGE!

GOD DOESN'T CALL THE QUALIFIED:


HE QUALIFIES THE CALLED!!!!

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE
Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!


I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sings "Silent Night".
Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either.
Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice.
Age 24



I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures.
Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers
have followed me there.
Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but
just don't know how to show it.
Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply
sending them a little note.
Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48



I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours.
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone.
Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life.
Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for
your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61



I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you.
Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness,
I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one.
Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this one on to someone you
care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to
make them smile.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

HAPPY DUST & LIFE TRUTHS!!!!!!!

Happy Dust We need to read this today


Summary of Life


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Bust er and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.


cid:C5C848429E034649B5A30BA1F3B1EFFA@Jane
cid:09150F2F84EE4D69ADC3B8D34024101D@Jane

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is as easy as nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..




GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there..
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

v


SUCCESS:


At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ... Not piddling in your pants.



Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER
forget the blessings that come each day.



Have a wonderf ul day with many *smiles*


cid:3DECD28CC5F5460FBD3B17479F4A0769@Jane

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked. Woo-hoo!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

AMAZING VIDEOS--GET R DONE!!!

I HOPE THESE PLAY. IF NOT LET ME KNOW. 3 videos total


CLICK ARROW TO PLAY- NOT SURE IF THEY WILL ENLARGE


video


video




video

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

FACTS YOU MUSTKNOW!!!!!!


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G..!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know..)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

Monday, February 15, 2010

HOW TO CATCH AMERICA!

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT LESSON ON WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY TODAY. READ IT, AND WEEP !!!

A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.
The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.
In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'
The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in The last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.
Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.
The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America . The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc.. While we continually lose our freedoms -- just a little at a time.
One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.
Also, if you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life then you will probably delete this email, but God help you when the gate slams shut!
Keep your eyes on the newly elected politicians who are about to slam the gate on America .
"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have"

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

NEW FORD

JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINES DAY TOO!


J




NEW FORD

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.


THEY'RE CHEAP AND EASY TO COME BY! MY BAD!
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO YOU ALL

J

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

PUN- ISHED!!!!!!!!





The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Test your pun comprehension.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, I've sent ten different puns to some friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. To my knowledge, no pun in ten did.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

cid:part1.06020707.06090708@usa.net
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You grow poppies & refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.