Sunday, January 18, 2009

PANIC TIME--THEY SAID THE "S" WORD ON TV

OMG....RUN TO THE STORE, FILL UP THE CAR, HIDE THE DOG, FIND THE WEASEL.......

These are the reactions of South Carolininans, when the word(s), in any order) are mention on TV....THAT START WITH THE LETTER "S"

Snow/Sleet, (my wife and I call it SNEET- because it's tiny ice pellets that bounce but never stick to anything and disappear as soon as they hit anything) : or Freezing Rain.....with possible light accumulation 100 miles away in the foothills and mountains (POSSIBLE). It sets off a stampeding herd of, I must leave early from work today to go buy the store. No, that was no Freudian slip- Literally- GO BUY the Store. Groceries large and small all over the state go into emergency mode. Price guns immediately reset to an additional 25% markup, and stock persons race through their departments tagging everything, including customers!

From the depths of what we assume is a loading dock, and possible produce section come plywood, generators, tubs of whale blubber (for the oil lamps you dummy), this is a crisis for crisses sake! Flashlights with snow shovels attached to the end (Last years have been regifted), and hidden panels swing open, exposing an extra 3,0000 square foot isle of Bottled water, Milk, Bread, and Bud Light!

Gas stations are crammed as people top off gas tanks. It's supposed to snow???? Where ya gonna go?????? Spend that extra cash on Bud and chips---Hello???? But it is after all SC!!!!

We will sit transfixed as we watch mesmerized at the crawl line slither across our HDTV, the all knowing god of information, and some with weather radios are already plugging them in and cussing because they forgot- (YOU ALWAYS FORGET) to pick up an extra 9 volt battery. The only one you buy goes in the smoke detector when it finally runs dead and beeps, which after 48 hours- FORCES you to dole out the $8.97 for the 9 V.

They are cost prohibitive, or so you think because we so seldom need them! Except for the odd fellow like me who loves to stick it to his tongue to see how much battery life is left. If it barely stings, you put it back in knowing you have mere months before the chirping smoke alarm drives you to Ace to pick up a replacement! God forbid we should buy one or two now! Why, that's cutting into the childrens education fund! Or it zaps you so damn hard your eyes slightly tear up, and you secretly enjoy the mild ammount of pain it caused you. You do it one more time-(One must be sure), enjoying the pain even more the second time and feelng slighly dirty because of it. Kinda like when you put your wife's underwear on your head and dance to We ar the Champions......sorry...

Anyway, you go to bed with visions of a white winter wonderland upon arising, or at least the weather report stating the bridges and overpasses (they freeze first ya know), are impassable. Praying you will see school cancellations, business closings etc. and the god box with the information line slithering across it giving you the news that God has ggiven SC a day off!!!!!! You say a silent prayer thanking God for electricity, steal a longing glance at the smoke detector, you cheecks flushing a little bit.)

DANG!!!!!!! Missed it again. It stopped right where it always stops. Right along that line of demarcation 23 miles North and West of Columbia called Newberry, where they will be on a 2 hour delay. Oh, so close, just like the Gamecocks--wait till next year! You shuffle past the 3 cases of bottled water, wondering what you are going to do with 4 gallons of Milk and 8 loaves of bread and why did you spend $32.28 on movie rentals that you can now take back on perfectly traveleable roads.

This is all because of the mention of the "S" word on TV. If you want it that badly- MOVE TO BUFFALO!!!

Secretly we all want it to snow just for the day so we can enjoy God's white silent dandruff gently drifting down, gradually covering everything; hiding the usually oh so familiar and ugly objects in our yards and fields, transforming them into a beautiful surreal landscape. Pristine; with maybe an occasional animal track, but absolutely beautiful, and quiet! The Quietness. It's so cool, I guess it's because of the usuall din of the background noise of life that it seems so quit and still..

Woops....gotta run................Weather's on!!!!!!!

J