Friday, August 29, 2008

ANSWER ME THIS!


For those who love the Philosophy of Ambiguity...


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. AN ATHEIST IS A PERSON WITH NO INVISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. HOW LONG IS A SHORT CIRCUIT?
35. WHERE DOES THE WHITE IN SNOW GO WHEN IT MELTS?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

MY MAN CAN SPEAK!!!!!!!!

videoCrick- To Pray!

Hey, the Olympics are just over from China---------and I'm already ready to watch them again !!!!!!!!!!!!

Rim-shot- Hey- I'll be here all week. Get it--Chinese....food? hungry an hour......(it was funny as hell at the Nurses Station when I came up with it! I was booed out to Triage!

Moving on!



After being married for 42 years, Fred took a careful look at his wife. One day and said,

"Shirley, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed

and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot

19 year old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a plush king-size bed and

plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

Now Shirley is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl.

She would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap

car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!!


Sunday, August 24, 2008

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION


I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.













Electile Dysfunction:

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
Amen, Amen!!!

BUT JUST REMEMBER: WHATEVER YOU DO, BE PREPARED TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

MARRIAGE FILLER FUNNIES

Subject: marriage Jokes

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********

Wife :
Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'

**********

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

**********

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered

To her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart. What do
you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Thursday, August 21, 2008

DEMOCRATIC MORALITY & WHERE'S JOHN?

HANNIBAL PERSUADES JOHN TO GO FOR A WALK IN THE WOODS.



NO LONGER AFRAID OF THE THING THAT GOES CRACK!


JOHN'S BODY WAS NEVER FOUND.

The democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality. John
Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the democratic convention for
having an affair and lying about it.


In his place Bill Clinton will be speaking.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

14 !!!!!!!!!!

I was walking past the
mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients
were shouting,
'13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in
the planks, so I
looked through to see what
was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in

the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Monday, August 18, 2008

JUST IN CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just in case 100,000,000,000 Jihads can't be wrong!








Saturday, August 16, 2008

ORDERING YOUR PRIVATE WORLD

This is a taste of what we are reading on SHHH....GOD'S TALKING

WHERE DOES ORDER COME FROM? OUT OF THIS CHAOTIC WORLD HOW DO WE COME UP FOR A GULP OF AIR, LET ALONE FIND FIFTEEN MINUTES TO:

TEND THE GARDEN

One of the coolest things in the Bible to me is when Jesus calmed the storm. The Disciples were in the boat with the MASTER...did they think He was going to let them drown? I'm not sure but anyway they freaked. Jesus woke up, said, "Oh, ye of little faith." Translation: Chill, this is a teachable moment, and then told the storm to calm down. Out of lightening, waves, wind, came perfect calm.

How can we get that into our daily routine. We have to practice. We have, through Christ the same ability to speak to ANY storm, wind, wave, crises, emergency in our lives the way Jesus spoke to the storm. But we don't get it overnight. It is a learned experience. That's why we have so many trials and tribulations; so we can practice becoming more Christlike. And we are told to Count it all joy when these diverse (Different) weird emergencies happen. Welcome them. This is a time when you can go to the Heart and calm the seas of your life.

That's right: THE HEART. THE HEART OF THE MATTER. Look at all of the scriptures concerning matters of the HEART. Read them and think on them this next week. See what Jesus taught about Treasures and the HEART.

If in the Chaos and Briar Patch of life, we can WEED EAT A PATCH out in the middle of the Garden, we can set our HEARTS RIGHT, in that place. It may not show externally for many days, and it may not change externally this side of Heaven. But how we approach it, our attitude about it, and the way Whatever it is affects us, WILL CHANGE.

IT WILL BE MORE PEACEFUL & STILL!

WE WILL HAVE LEARNED A SIGNIFICANT LIFE LESSON WHEN WE GET TO THE POINT THAT WE REALIZE THIS SIGNIFICANT PRINCIPLE:

THE DEVELOPMENT AND MAINTENANCE OF OUR INNER GARDEN, OUR SPIRIT; IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FUNCTION OF OUR EXISTENCE. MacDonald, G. Ordering Your Private World, p 25.

Please read that again. Even more important than your Children and Husband or Wife, is this principle. You cannot Give, Love Nurture, Heal or Minister when the Well is dry. You need to be in tip top shape mentally and physically and especially Spiritually to be able to say:

Stop! Hold Everything! Be Still!-----and it obeys you!

You have just come up for a gulp of fresh air in the world of chaos. When all about you are losing their heads, yours is becoming crystal clear. Over your morning Coffee, before you go to sleep, during your walk.....WHENEVER...take 15 minutes a day to tend to the Heart of the Matter. Be still and know that He is God. Let HIM lead you into the day instead of rushing headlong out into it!

We will learn this and practice this more as we go along....but do it for one week. Pick one scripture about the Heart- anyone, from the Gospels to Psalms...one that hits YOU, and read it every day next week and spend 15 minutes just quietly sitting and thinking about quieting your INNER GARDEN. Just try it and see what happens. You may want to have a pen and paper handy just to jot down any random thoughts that POP into your head.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

SHHHH----GOD'S TALKING


Don't forget, I'm doing a little pick me up study on Shhhh----GOD'S TALKING that I think will be easy and practical, for Christian and Non! Check it out, it's from a good book on Time and personal life management amongst other things that we all need. Order in our Chaotic Lives!!!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

BLOG COUNTERS

Wanted: HELP FROM ANYONE. Is there a good counter or service, like Sitemeter, or StatCounter you can go to for free to track the very basics. I'm not all into numbers, but I do like to know what reaches an audience and what does not as I grow. Also, what's up with readers, Twitter etc. Is there an article or site I can go to to summarize all this stuff. I've subscribed to several, but I'm not quite sure what linking to a blog means etc. I just need a basic workshop is all. I can't even tell how my site looks as I use Mozilla exclusively, and most everyone Uses IE. Is there anything I need to change format wise or can you read it?

Thanks,

J

I also want to thank Jeannie of My 2 Cents, who recently gave me an award(s). I am very honored, and I mean that sincerely, to think anyone would want to or care about what I write. Thanks Jeannie!!!!

I'm also trying, (even with school) to keep Shhh....God's Talking, at least up and open.
I'm so sorry I haven't been around as much, I PROMISE I'M THERE, it's just hard to comment sometimes due to time constraints due to the two on-line classes. I'm not whining cuz I want to finish my BS (which I'm full of) degree, but it does as you know require time. That's why part of this question on help is about RSS feeds or readers etc., so I can make it as streamlined as possible. With the readers I miss actually physically going to the blog as I'm afraid I'll miss some pictures or something, and I dearly love Commenting!

Anyway Thanks Gal- and Thanks up front for any resources I can go to help.

J

Monday, August 11, 2008

BEAR FACTS_ THIS MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE

Click once to enlarge to read easier

PRESENTED FREE OF CHARGE AS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

(Also look for empty plastic wrappers of Charmin. This is their preferred brand off a-wipe material besides rabbits (as seen on TV).

Sunday, August 10, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN!!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

SO TODAY I'M 54!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!

One day I'll have a Tombstone. No, not the Pizza, although that might not be a bad idea. A real one. It will read in part, something like this (the death date is made up--LOL!!!)

AUGUST 10, 1954 - AUGUST 10, 2054

NOTHING REAL SIGNIFICANT. OR IS THERE. I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT WHAT IS IN BETWEEN THE TWO DATES. YEP, THE DASH.

An insignificant character in our alphabet, or language, and yet it represents my entire life. What I did, or did not do on Earth is summed up by a Dash.

Is it a 100 yard dash? Ms. Dash's spices? What does it represent. What have I accomplished, contributed or taken away from this Earth? Hopefully, I have made a few people laugh, and made a few people feel better about themselves, helped a few people heal, and maybe even saved a life or two because of my profession. I've helped 7 mothers deliver 7 babies into this world, at home and in the back of an Ambulance. Only dropped one, but it bounced and I caught it immediately! No harm, no foul. (We kiddingly call him SpongeBob now!

Truth be told, I'm like what the Bible says, (to paraphrase)"A wisp, a Vapor, a Snap of the fingers, an insignificant blip on the cosmic radar.") Or am I? Have I spoken words that can't be recalled once they've left the lips and done irreparable harm to some one's ego, reputation, or life. Or the opposite- healed, helped, built up with those words? I'll answer for all of that one day.
THE RIPPLE OR BUTTERFLY EFFECT OF MY LIFE IN THE COSMOS. I believe and pray that there is a meaning to all of this apparent chaos. I believe that one day all our Dash's will meet and we'll have ONE LONG LINE dance. Ahhh, I crack myself up!

But for now, I have a beautiful wife who loves me, I'm working a job I love and helping my fellow man as much as I can. I try to live and lead by example. I'm in school, to hopefully better myself and give back through teaching one day. I have cyber friends and many many acquaintances, as well as a few COVETED FRIENDS! Recount if you have more than 5, as they are rare indeed!

So all in all, I'm living the dash! Period.

Love to all,

John

PS: Just send cash! :-)

Saturday, August 9, 2008

WHAT DO WE DO WITH OLD PEOPLE?

We put them in Long Term Care Kennels, hose them down once a day, and leave out little bowls of water and bread. Of course those with money get "ASSISTED" Kennel care, which comes with Cable, a shower and 3 squares. But what about average Great Aunt Jane, Gramps, and Crazy Uncle Bob who is at the Va? They say he went crazy after WWII. It couldn't be because of the carnage and limbs he saw on the beach. Or the 3 inch piece of shrapnel he still has lodged in his brain. He's , well- just crazy.

Hell, He was lucky, he came home. Now we give him the best Medical Care the good ole USA has to offer. Underpaid Understaffed Va Nurses who give their lives caring for the very people who allow us to watch the Olympics---were are they--oh yeah, COMMUNIST CHINA! How silly of me- to think we should not reach out a hand, where President Bush, the President of Iraq, Iranian athletes- (Do they have Nukes yet?) And France's president- Oh they tried to take away the Olympic torch. But were those opening ceremonies awesome or what?

I'm not kidding about the opening ceremonies- it was one of the finest productions I've ever seen. But where did they get all those extras??? Where did all those people come from. You'd think there were Millions of people in China or something!

Anyway- back to the rant...the VA lobby where they wait for untold hours to see one of two hundred different Doctors or wait for 12 different types of (Polypharmacy) pills, to take when a little interaction and TLC could stop 2/3 of those.....anyway I digress...

How can we in good conscience let our wise, loved Seniors, rot and waste away until they die in their own urine (Depends) pun intended without so much as feeling a twinge of guilt. I mean, we have a fractured family, we are a blended family, both of us work, I am the only one, my brother and sister live to far away to visit regularly....blah, blah, blah ,blah, blah.....

I know these are very real problems and there are no easy solutions. But we'd better start thinking of how to fix Medical Care in the US 3 years ago. Cause when the millions of us BOOMERS hit the Nursing Homes, the literal Shit is going to cover the fan! People, our Seniors deserve better than they are getting. Instead of it "Takes a village to raise a child...(Not with Ritalin and ADD)..and yes I know they are very real conditions...but also over diagnosed for spoiled brat disease. I see it up close and personal every day. It's the disease de jour. We should change it to , "It takes each Community to care for it's Elderly, & Infirmed. Wonder if that's why the Bible says I think in James--the Only ONE religion or Religious act recognized by God, to paraphrase, "Is to take care of the Widows and Orphans." I wonder today if we shouldn't add and "Old people" who can't quite care for themselves? They can do most things, but forget that they were going to the bathroom, get back in bed and pee their pants, leave the stove on and burn down the house. But they're OK home alone, besides they still have their DRIVERS' LICENCES!!!

If we used the minds of our Seniors to full capacity, as in TALKING to them, visiting with them, taking them to the grocery store or having a cup of tea with them, making them feel valuable and needed. Give them tasks to do helping other seniors who are a tad more senior... I'd be willing to bet in 2 years, Dementia and Alzheimer's would be on the decline! But we are probably too busy to get back to the notion of actually having a "FAMILY". Hell, that's so......1950's! YUK!

Yeah, forget what I said. Let's just stash em away--outta sight, outta mind ya know. And they're so damn expensive to keep as pets. And if they get a little sick, we'll just treat the whole facility for Kennel Cough. Yeah, just have one Doctor per 100 and a big rubber stamp for the charts. That should do it. STAMP- Government check, STAMP- Government Check...uh OH...the Medicare is gone. STAMP--NO CHECK. Sorry- no meds today-Gotta keep the Kennel cough, I hear that turns into Pneumonia if not treated. STAMP--out ya go--here comes a Senior with a little equity left in his house the kids from Frisco just sold. Didn't even have to fly out. Just signed and faxed some papers and Grandma is no more.

STAMP--- think about it. Coming to a Town near You!

I don't have the answers. I don't even know the right questions to ask. I'm not condemning anyone. This is just reality. It's just the way it is. But it can't STAY THIS WAY FOR EVER can it?

J

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

ME After Sunday!!!!!

THE RESULTS OF THE RECTAL TEMP!


A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
>
> Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
>
> Preparing to write a check,
>
> She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
>
> And tries to write with it.
>
> When she realizes her mistake,
>
> She looks at the flabbergasted teller
>
> And without missing a beat, she says:
>
> 'Well, that's great....that's just great....
>
> Some asshole's got my pen!'



A SUMMER POEM


BY DEWET JANET TALIA








Holy SHIT! !

It's Hot ! !

Monday, August 4, 2008

GABE- DIED AT AGE 5 OF CANCER- SOME THINGS JUST SUCK!!!

Photobucket Album

HOW TO STOP A LESBIAN FROM SMOKING

Guess this is that new drug- Chantdix? or something like that

I had a Dog with No legs once. I called him Cigarette. I always took Him out for a drag!

J

Yes, I mean and pissed. Computer crashed again, and it put me way behind in school. But hey, That's my problem, right? I did however figure out the problem. Poopsie had it right initially- DELL SUCKS!!! Actually, it's the Microsoft Office I downloaded that's corrupt. I'm gonna make em pay me something for two lost weekends and missed school assignments!!!

J

I'll be OK, I just needed to vent and nobody liked my pictures I stole. I thought they were cool! OK, I'm through now. Where's that machete?