Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.
A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I'd HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping".
Now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot.
People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press Ctrl-Alt-Delete and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

Wouldn't you know it, brain cells die every day.
But FAT cells live forever!!

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier!!"

And remember, life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.